on Wednesday, December 08, 2010

With my ever-growing list of things to do, I don't exactly have time to fully explain myself. 
Basically, this first semester has been a spicy heaven/hell, with glorious moments that have, unfortunately, been completely drowned in the bad.

I want to emphasize a certain aspect of my bad semester, and that's death, and death compared to a bigger picture of happiness.
Just to give you a little insight, a few weeks ago I got a late night call from my mother saying that my great grandmother was dying. It was very important to me to be there to say goodbye, so I began the 10 hour journey home. On the way there, only 4 hours or so away from home, I was in a car-flipping wreck, which jarred me senseless for weeks. The day after my wreck, only hours after seeing my grandmother, she died. 
Two weeks ago, during Thanksgiving Break and about three or four weeks after my grandmother's death, I was in the hospital getting (what we now know as benign) breast tumor removed.

For a while I was euphoric, although in a melancholy way, because I had faced some forms of death in a very small period of time but survived. My daily problems slid off my back, and I felt released from every care, and every worry I could think of.
Today, after hearing his story "Drowning on Sullivan Street", I discovered I experienced something very similar to what Ed experienced.

But today, two weeks later, with the beginning of finals and sleeplessness, multiplied by the financial debris from my wreck, and countless other microscopic yet magnified problems, I'm losing my positive attitude.
I thought I had a new philosophy. 
And now I'm wondering what it will really take to make me realize that I can survive.
And that's a scary thought.

I'm not looking for your pity. I just want to record this transition in my life. I think it may prove to be an important one.

love, rudi


  1. Goodness, Rudi. That is a seriously tough time you've gone through.

    I hope you can remind yourself of that positive attitude which you found for a while because it's our perspective on things which dictate how we feel about life.

    I'm sure all the things that have happened in the past while will had a massive impact on you, and life can be so difficult sometimes but we've got to let those times help us grow as a person.

    Kate x

    Email me anytime: timetoshine@live.co.uk

  2. Rudi,
    Sometimes you have to go through some really awful things to find out what is important. You are fortunate that you have had 18 relatively easy years until the bad things hit. It is normal to feel good and bad after trauma. It all hit so fast and furiously. But you'll be fine, and you are fine and Granny is fine too and we all love you and are so so happy that you are ok and will soon be on your way home to us. I'm glad you are sharing this on your blog as that is part of healing. Thank you Kate, for your kind words to my daughter.

    Love ,Mama